I have noticed that all of my thoughts and feelings, and therefore my blogs, have been so desperate sounding. Rather angry. But I am not surprised. That is how I feel, desperate and angry.
I feel as if I am on the Titanic. I am up in the crow's nest with my little telescope thingy. I can see the iceberg. I can see the impending tragedy, the doom up ahead. I am screaming my ever-loving head off, trying to warn everyone, but they are all happily dining below. Dancing to the beautiful violin music, being lulled to sleep by the gentle rocking of the ship. They are clueless to the giant iceberg sitting just below the surface waiting to cause utter destruction. The iceberg in this case is the eating disorder (ED). The Titanic is my home and the happily clueless people are my family. I know that it isn't a fair statement. I know that my husband isn't clueless or happy, for that matter. I think that he is just as worried and terrified as I am. But his is more optimistic than I am. He wants desperately to believe that we just might be able to steer clear of the iceberg. Maybe, just maybe, we will veer off at the last minute. As usual I am the pessimist. And as much as I would like to agree with him, well...I just don't.
The reason is that my daughter, at the moment, is the captain. She is steering us straight into the iceberg. She isn't doing it to be malicious or hateful. She just isn't that person. She is doing it because she is completely oblivious . She has no idea of the potential damage that the iceberg can inflict. She looks ahead and sees a little shadow in the water, something that might be an annoyance, but can't really hurt anything. She is blinded by the constant onslaught of self hatred that the ED feeds her. She is damaged, unlovable, unworthy. She can't see beyond the very tip of the iceberg. Instead it is full speed ahead....
But we have been in these icy waters for six years now. I know that a little shadow can be devastating. So I am sorry if I can't just sip my wine and happily waltz to the orchestra. Nope. I am in the crow's nest and I see it coming. And there isn't a damn thing that I can do about it.
After my last post, we had a lengthy talk with my lovely girl. I asked her if she had read my blog. She had. I asked her what she thought of it. She hated it. She was mad. And honestly, I figured that she would be. But that was a choice that I made, and I would and will, again. I explained to her, again, that my weapon of choice is prayer. I explained that I was gathering an army of prayer warriors. And she didn't need to like. I don't really care if she likes it. But I will not stop. I will continue to pray for her. And I will continue to beg for prayers for her. Because here is the thing...we can't avoid the iceberg. It is there, big and bad. There is no way to circle it and avoid damage. If you get too close, you are done. And we have certainly been too close. There are gouges and dents in our hull. The water is slowly starting to trickle in. The happily oblivious people are noticing that their feet are starting to get wet.
But I am not going down with a fight. I am hanging onto the crow's nest screaming my pleas and prayers to God. I am clinging to the hope that He will rescue us. He can repair the damage that the iceberg has caused. In fact, he can just remove the iceberg completely. That is what I am waiting for. I am waiting for complete healing for my girl. I am waiting for healing for all of us. I am waiting for God to remove the freaking ice berg.
Heavenly Father, I beg you to hear my humble prayer. Please grant my daughter, and all those that suffer from this wretched disease, healing and peace. Please flood their hearts with your grace and mercy. Please provide their family and friends with understanding and forgiveness also. Heal them from the hurt that this disease causes to all that encounter it. We need you, Lord. Amen