Why am I still awake when everyone else is FINALLY asleep?
Usually I love to be awake in the stillness of the night, when everyone else is asleep. I love to be able to have the volume on the TV turned down to 1 and have it seem loud. I love to just sit on the couch and hear the various snoring sounds come from the different rooms. I love to have this time to just wind down from the day. But tonight I just feel unsettled and really tired. That is what makes no sense I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally and all that I want to do is to crawl into my warm cozy bed, next to my warm and cozy husband and drift off to sleep, but I can't. I know that as soon as I do that, Jonathan is going to wake up and need to be nursed, or Aiden will wake up screaming from a nightmare ( which has been a recent development, poor little thing). Something will disrupt the sleep that I crave and I am loathe to allow that to happen. So instead I am sitting here thinking about everything that is causing me stress right now. That is making me decidedly unable to sleep. Mainly it's my kids. I am worried about my kids. That is my job as a mom, I guess. I feel the need to constantly worry about my kids.
And there it is...the little cry from my baby boy. It is time to start our night time ritual. I nurse him, he sleeps, I finally sleep, he cries, I nurse him, and so on and so on!
As for the kids, Jonathan is such a sweet little baby. I am not sure that he likes me yet. He always seems to look at me with this little face that asks, "What are you doing to me? " or "Where is Aiden? Is he going to attack me?" I guess he is totally founded in his fear on that one. Aiden loves him...alot! He probably loves him too much! He is always kissing him and laying on him. Two days after we brought Jonathan home from the hospital, he was happily sleeping in the pack n' play in our room. I quietly tiptoed out to the kitchen, careful to pull the door shut behind me. It wasn't a minute later and I could hear the baby wailing. When I went to check on him, Aiden was not only in the room with him, he was in the pack n' play with him and he wasn't alone! He had an arm load of action figures and his favorite dinosaurs and he was enthusiastically showing them all to "Baby P." I almost threw up! I grabbed Jonathan and ran out of the room and left Aiden in the pack n' play. It seemed to be the best option and I was freaking out trying to figure out how Aiden had got into the pack n' play without landing on Jonathan. At least I hope that he didn't land on him. After a minute, I decided that I was probably better off not knowing the details. It's a scary place outside of the womb! The poor little guy is getting a first hand experience of that! Thankfully he is getting the hang of this outside living thing and hopefully he will start to like us, because we sure like him!