The new me...
I have been thinking about this post and writing it in my head off and on for about a month now, but I just wasn't ready to put it down here. I had a hysterectomy. There it is. My life has been redefined again. Some of you might not understand what the big deal is, and that is fine, but to me...it is a big deal. For the last 12 years, Brian and I have centered our lives and our marriage around being open to God's will for our family, particularly our family size. We have followed the Catholic Church's teachings on family planning and have been abundantly blessed 9 times over.
Look at this picture! NINE beautiful times over. What more can I say.
After we had Jonathan, I felt a peace and a contentment with the size of our family that I really had never had before. I felt as if God was gently saying that our family was complete and I was ok with that. At least I thought that I was ok with that until the choice was made for me...permanently. I had a doctor's appointment for my annual exam and I told the doctor that I had been having a lot of pain and cramping around my cycle. After examining me she said that I had fibroid tumors in my uterus. I had an ultrasound to confirm it. They were already fairly large and would only continue to grow and cause more and more problems. She recommended a hysterectomy. I knew that it was coming, because after I found out about the fibroids, I did exactly what I shouldn't have done and I went on to the internet. I researched and read everything that I could find. Some people might think that was a bad idea, but I like to be informed and prepared. So I knew what was coming. I was ready. And when my doctor said that it was really the only permanent solution to all of the problems that I had been having, I knew that she was right and I agreed. I agreed and I was ready, that is until I got into my car and called Brian to tell him what she had said. And then I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. It is so final. The choice had been made that our family really was complete. This was a choice that when I thought that I had made it, I felt good about it. But now that it was definite, I was sad. I was grieving. I am still mourning the loss of this part of me. The part of me that has carried tiny humans and their perfect little souls under my heart. The part of me that has made me so much of who and what I am today, a mother, a wife, a woman. The sadness still comes and goes. I have found that the best comfort is to grab one of my 9 blessings and snuggle them or read to them or talk to them. I am so blessed to have kids spanning so many ages. I have a snugly baby, a toddler who loves to be read to. I have elementary kids that draw me beautiful masterpieces and play "Cold fish" (otherwise known as Go fish!) with me. I have teenagers who will sit and tell about their day. I have a husband who loves me no matter what shape I am in, physically or mentally ( Thank God for that!). My family is complete, completely perfect just for me.