Cupcakes=house and I am a brat
"The Lord is faithful in all His words and gracious in all of His deeds. My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord and let all flesh bless His holy name for ever and ever."
I read this today and my first thought was, "Seriously?!? Is this what you want me to hear God, because while the (very tiny) logical, brain part of me, knows that it is true, the rest of me, the stubborn, sad, worn out, human part of me, thinks that it sure doesn't feel like it."
The human, super-whiny part of me is feeling rather toddler-ish at the moment. I want to stomp my feet and throw myself to the ground kicking and screaming at God. I want to shout out, "Faithful?!? How is it faithful when we trusted You? You get Brian this job that is 2 freaking hours away. He is ALWAYS in the car. He is exhausted and can hardly keep his eyes open past 8:30. Don't get me wrong, he absolutely loves his job. He is so committed to the mission of the University, that it makes it all worthwhile for him. But worthwhile or not, it is taxing on him. It has taken it's toll on all of us. So sorry if I am not doing back flips of joy and gratitude right now. Sorry God, but I can't find it in me to praise you at the moment." Ok, so there is that honesty again. The really dirty, embarrassing, I can't believe that I actually said that out loud, kind of honesty. The dark weight of this stupid depression is making me very mouthy at the moment.
While I am being so super honest, I must also admit that I lack, in a very huge way, patience. So the bratty, toddler-ish part of me that would like to throw a huge tantrum, is unwilling to give God half a second to allow things to fall into place. I am acting like a child. Holy crap, I am acting just like one of MY children. Now I see where they get it from. In fact just today, Jonathan wanted to eat a cupcake for breakfast. I told him that he would have to wait until after lunch and he could have it as a treat then. He threw a fit. Actually his exact words were, "You don't even care about me! You won't even let me have a cupcake! I really want a cupcake! " The (borderline) responsible parent in me calmly replied that it was not time for a cupcake yet. He could have a cupcake when it was the right time, for example after lunch. It didn't mean that he couldn't ever have a cupcake, just not right then.
So, to recap, I am mad and raging at God because He isn't making this whole moving thing happen the way that I want it to, in the time frame that I want, just because I say. My four year old, on the other hand is mad at me because I won't give him a cupcake when he wants it, the way that he wants it just because he said....hmmmm....I am starting to see the family resemblance.
While I know that my reasons for making Jonathan wait until after lunch for his treat are totally right and in his best interest, he doesn't see it that way. He thinks that I am just being mean. I can see beyond this moment in a way that he can't because he is a child. As his parent, I will allow him to throw his little fit and move along. I just let it go, knowing that as he grows, he will learn to trust me more and realize that I make these decisions in his best interest. Not because, I don't care about him, but because I do. I also realize that he just can't see it right now. He is too immature to understand why eating a cupcake for breakfast isn't the best idea. So because I love him, I will forgive him for his little outburst. He will still get the cupcake, but he will need to practice a little bit of patience first. When he finally takes that first yummy bite, he will realize that it was worth the wait.
Sooooo, I guess that I need to get a grip and instead of yelling at God, I should probably just trust that things will work out in our best interest, because they always do. I just need to practice a little bit of patience and allow God to do His thing. You would think that after all of the things that I have gone through, that I would finally realize that He, my Father, knows what is best for me. He wouldn't line up this amazing job for Brian and find us a perfectly Hough-sized home exactly where we wanted to be, if He wasn't going to work out all of the details. I need to stop yelling at God that He "doesn't even care about me." I need to just shut up and trust Him, just like I expect my kids to trust me.
The teeny-tiny logical part of my brain knows this. That part of me is ready to praise Him and be thankful for all of this. There is a lesson to be learned here and I need to calm down and figure it out. That teen-tiny part is unfortunately a lot quieter than the bratty-toddler side of me. But as every toddler does, it will eventually wear itself out and need a break. I think that I am almost to that point. I am ready for a break. That is when the tiny part of me will finally take charge. I will then be able to thank God not only for the blessings, but also for the crosses that this move has presented. But until then, I will be content to know that He loves me even when I am kicking and screaming at Him. He will mercifully forgive me and my bratty behavior, because that is what a father does. That is what the Father does.